What If the Star Wars Sequels Were Based on a Kurosawa Movie Just Like the Original Star Wars? Read online

whelp could say something like, “I’m sick of getting power converters at Toshi station; I want adventure!” in adenoidal tones explicitly designed to reference both Luke and the bored kid from Yojimbo. In Yojimbo, this character is a minor bookend role, not anything approaching a Jedi in importance. An audience familiar with both references would enjoy the ambiguity of such a scene. Will this character end up being a punchline, or is he the next Jedi, or both? Boba Fett, looking at the scene, should, in his inscrutability, still give off something approaching an annoyed head-shaking at Annoying Human’s reckless dreams of grandeur, given that the path of the unsavory adventure he seeks has led Boba Fett to be currently unemployed and covered in Sarlacc gut juice.

  Before we go any further, let’s address the elephant in the room. Isn’t it unseemly to plagiarize an existing classic movie when the Star Wars universe has by now been fleshed out and developed by hundreds of writers adding original textures and materials to the canon? To most fans of Star Wars, it is no secret that Lucas owes an inspirational debt to Akira Kurosawa, but few are aware that early treatments of Star Wars flat out copied a synopsis of Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress from a movie guide, according to a Secret History of Star Wars. To rip off Kurosawa wholesale isn’t, then, a betrayal of Star Wars but rather honoring a tradition steeped in its very origins. Lest you think Kurosawa himself might have some sour feelings about this, consider that Lucas, along with Steven Spielberg and Francis Ford Coppola helped finance one of Kurosawa’s last films, Dreams, which features an unintentionally hilarious cameo by Martin Scorcese as Vincent Van Gogh. The gang is probably cool with it.

  The next component to appropriate from Yojimbo is the coffin-maker, whose trade is the only one that is booming in this town. In the Star Wars Universe, there are many deaths, but of funeral practices, we only see pyres for Jedis, and a burial for Shmi, but no coffins. However, the coffin-maker is almost non-negotiably a necessary character. In deference to the futuristic/ancient duality of Star Wars, let’s have the coffin-maker pull his decidedly low-tech wooden goods (despite our having never seen any trees on Tattooine) with the same anti-gravity sleds we see carrying Han Solo frozen in carbonite. A mix of the old and the new. To emphasize the ramshackle, lived-in nature of this world, however, the sleds should be broken.

  For continuity’s sake, let’s make him the same race as Greedo, which according to Star Wars reference sources, is something called a Rodian. Fine. Whatever. We will simply call him Greedo II out of convenience.

  While we’re at this, let’s do a rundown of all the cast positions we are importing from Yojimbo:

  Yojimbo: the title character played by Kurosawa favorite Toshiro Mifune, here represented by Boba Fett (or some mysterious stranger in Boba Fett’s armor).

  Seibei & Yoichiro: Seibei is one of the two gangsters vying for control of the town in Yojimbo. For the purposes of this treatment, let’s combine the characters of Seibei and his nincompoop son, Yoichiro, into a single character, to be represented by Rotta the Hutt.

  Unosuke: In Yojimbo, Unosuke is Seibei’s brother and Yojimbo’s nemesis, not for his skill at the sword, but by virtue of his precious firearm, and therefore his main opponent in the final duel at the climax of the movie. Here, let us have Unosuke’s counterpart be someone with a bit more teeth to provide a real challenge to Boba. Rather than give him a new name, let’s refer to him by his Yojimbo counterpart: Unosuke. Whatever his Star Wars universe name should be would be an exercise for the trading card designers, though it isn’t out of fashion for Star Wars names to be vaguely Asian-influenced (George Lucas originally wanted Toshiro Mifune to play the decidedly non-gentile-sounding Obi-Wan Kenobi before Alec Guiness got the part).

  Orin: Seibei’s wife and the true seat of power in his clan, let’s name the Twi’lek Oola in tribute to the dancer who met her doom in Jabba’s palace. However, this Oola is no dancer, but a wily manipulator of her Hutt. Is this Twi’lek a twin or relation to the original Oola? Let’s not make the mistake of over-explaining, as Lucas does in the prequels (c.f. midi-chlorians, the ill-received overly and unnecessarily biological explanation behind the nature of The Force). In the Empire Strikes Back, there is a minor character called Lobot, the majordomo to Lando Calrissian. What is Lobot’s background? Is Lobot a human, a robot, a cyborg? What is he? His nature is unexplained, yet the movie is richer by that lack of information. So, this Twi’lek is also richer by having no explanation of her background. Leave it to the viewer’s imagination.

  Ushitora: In Yojimbo, Ushitora is Seibei’s murderous competitor for the throne. This sounds like a perfect part for the unctuous Bib Fortuna. Note that because Oola is the true master of Fortuna’s opposition, while it is ostensibly a Twi’lek versus Hutt dynamic, in actuality it is a Twi’lek versus Twi’lek power struggle.

  When we are first introduced to Yojimbo, the protagonist is a stranger who must prove his skills. In the Star Wars Universe, however, Fett’s reputation precedes him. Still, let’s have him kill three of Bib Fortuna’s henchmen as a sign of his prowess at killing. After all, Rotta the Hutt has probably been away at this point and only hears of Fett’s skills second hand. Not that Boba Fett needs a pretext for killing, but let’s say the three henchmen walk into Watto’s inn and rudely order and complain about Watto’s slow service, and in their bullying nature, grab and eat Boba’s food in impatience. Naturally, Boba easily dispenses with the three henchmen, but to drive home the point that Boba Fett isn’t really a hero, but actually a jerk, let’s have him say to Watto as he goes back to his meal amidst a pile of body parts, “they’re right, your service is too slow.” Greedo II should peer in the window and do a little jig of joy: he just got three new clients. Watto should, in contrast, have a resigned expression. He won’t be getting money from the dead henchmen. and he won’t be getting money from Boba, who as it turns out, doesn’t have any.

  So, upon hearing his exploits at Watto’s inn, Hutt hires Fett to lead a raid against Fortuna, but as in Yojimbo, Fett overhears the wife’s plot to kill Fett to avoid paying him. Let’s make use of Fett’s gadgetry and have him overhear by means of a high tech but battle-worn listening device, or, if the idea of stuffing in a reference to Kubrick in a movie already laden with references strikes your fancy, we can do a redo of the famous scene in 2001, where HAL reads the lips of an out-of-earshot Frank Poole and David Bowman, thus discovering their murderous intent. To accomplish this, we could have Boba Fett adjust some dials on his helmet, allowing him to zoom in on the conversation between Hutt and Oola, panning back and forth between the two actors in much the same way it was done in 2001.

  Fett leads an assault of motley aliens, many of which we are meant to recognize from the Cantina scenes. Fett should find an excuse to withdraw from fighting. Let’s have him complain of an ache in his shoulder. In Yojimbo, the protagonist hides in a tower. Fett, conveniently has a rocket pack, which he can use to ferry himself upwards to perch atop of, let’s say a Jawa freighter (well not really a Jawa freighter -- that would bring up questions to what a Jawa freighter is doing so close to a settlement, though if it were an abandoned and decrepit Jawa freighter, turned on its side…), something tall enough to provide cinematic vantage points of the struggle.

  In Yojimbo, a government official arrives and breaks up the fight. Who is the closest thing to a government on Tatooine? Let’s say it is the Republic, with thinly spread resources attempting to rebuild coalitions on various far-flung worlds, but really, what could be the real reason someone from the Republic is sent here? What is on Tatooine that could hold any value for the Republic?

  In answer to who should be the Republic official in charge of breaking up the fight, let’s play with the idea of using Captain Wedge Antilles, who we’ve seen in episodes four through six. This a difficult casting prospect as the actor who originally played Wedge (who as it turns out, is an uncle of Ewan McGregor) has all but disowned the series.

  Keep in mind that Obi-Wan, the hero general of the Republic lived in a cave on Tato
oine for many years, so let’s have the Antilles party arrive on Tatooine on a mission to retrieve something (it could be data crystals or a light saber or anything, it doesn’t really matter) in Obi-Wan's cave. The Skywalker residence, burned husk that it is, is close to town as well, so let’s manufacture a reason for Wedge to be in the area as well. Maybe Luke asked him to pick up some clean underwear from home that escaped torching. In any case, the Antilles party is split in two: one team exploring Obi-Wan’s cave, and Wedge leading the team that happens to be near town where the fighting happens. So it falls to Wedge to break up the fight.

  Boba Fett should make himself scarce at this point, being an enemy of the Republic for being the badass that captured Han Solo for the Empire. Is Boba Fett afraid of Wedge Antilles? Hardly! But he knows now is not the time to attract undue attention to himself. Luckily for Fett, before Wedge hunkers down too long to spread the peace and order of the Republic to this anarchic town, he is called away by a distress call from the other party at Obi-Wan’s cave.

  The next part of the narrative in Yojimbo happens completely